“Affair Confusion – Are You Trying To Choose Between Your Husband
And Your Affair Partner?”
Are You Torn?
Is your head telling you one thing, but your heart is telling you something else? Have you been vacillating back and forth for a long time? When you’re torn, it simply means that different parts of your brain are arguing with each other. As authors Chip and Dan Heath explain in their book, Switch, “Your brain isn’t of one mind. The …brain has two independent systems at work at all times.” You see, these two systems often generate conflicting impulses because each system is focused on something different.
Attachment and Autonomy… All Of Us Are Torn Between Two Fundamental Urges…
As authors Carter and Sokol explain in their book, He’s Scared She’s Scared, “…all of us are torn between two fundamental urges. On the one hand, each of us has a profound desire to merge with another human being and become a part of something larger than self; on the other, we have an equally basic need to feel independent, free to make choices without constraint or compromise….Here’s the problem: These two needs are diametrically opposed.”
As I explain in Women’s Infidelity, the belief that men want sexual variety and women want relationships is incomplete. As clinical psychologist and sex therapist David Schnarch points out in his book, Intimacy & Desire, “The tension between our desire for sexual variety and our desire for pair-bonding and sexual exclusivity arises in all of us, regardless of gender.”
Women Spend A Lot Of Time And Energy ‘Comparing’ And Weighing The Differences…
Unfortunately, women spend a lot of time and energy ‘comparing’ and weighing the differences between their husbands and their affair partners. Women spend so much time ‘comparing’ and weighing the differences because they believe it will eventually lead them to a decision – a decision as to whether they want to ‘stay married‘ or ‘get divorced‘. However, as I explain in Women’s Infidelity II, women rarely reach a decision because comparing a husband with an affair partner is like comparing a refrigerator with a television. Each provides something entirely different from the other, so making comparisons between the two is completely ineffective.
As Dr. Breuning writes in her book, Habits of a Happy Brain, “Your brain will never stop trying to promote your survival. It takes what you have for granted and looks for ways to get more––more rewards (dopamine), more physical security (endorphin), more social support (oxytocin), more respect (serotonin). Seeking more is risky. Your brain is constantly deciding whether it’s worth giving up some of this to get more of that.”
Leaving a spouse for an affair partner automatically moves the affair partner into a different category; and therefore, turns the affair partner into something else entirely. By that, I mean, the affair partner stops causing one type of chemical to be produced inside your brain and instead causes a different type of chemical to be produced. You really can’t get any ‘data’ for how your affair partner will be in this new category until after you leave your husband. Prior to leaving your husband, you just don’t have any way of knowing what your affair partner will be like as a real-life relationship partner in an exclusive pair-bond.
On some level, women are acutely aware of what they’re really getting from the affair: passion and excitement. The simple truth is new sexual partners energize us, and that’s what women (and men) really love about affairs; it’s the ENERGY. Women don’t want to lose all the energy and zest for life that they’re getting from the affair. As I explain in Women’s Infidelity II, women often view staying in their their marriages as a form of death. However, women only feel this way because they don’t believe it’s possible for their relationships with their husbands to be fulfilling – but this isn’t necessarily true.
Generally Speaking, Affair Partners Usually Aren’t Good Replacements For A Spouse.
Generally speaking, affair partners usually aren’t good replacements for a spouse; instead they’re good ‘complements’ to a spouse. In other words, the people we choose to have affairs with are rarely the people we would choose to marry or be in a long-term relationship with – if we were single.
When we’re open to an affair, our standards are lower because we’re already getting some of our needs met by our spouse, so we’re not looking for the total package, so to speak; instead, we’re only looking for ‘what’s missing’. In fact, when I coach women they often bring this up. Women regularly say things like, “The man I’m seeing really isn’t my type. I’m normally not attracted to men like him.”
If you haven’t read the Women’s Infidelity books, that’s where you need to start. You’ll learn why women experience so much internal conflict when they cheat on their husbands. You’ll also find out the 7 steps women must take in order to break out of limbo.
#1 Source For Information About Female Infidelity
Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo
Learn the REAL reasons women cheat, and:
• Why women lose sexual desire for their husbands
• Why women are more likely than men to become addicted to affair sex
• Why marriage and fidelity can actually be MORE difficult for women than it is for men
• Why women have such a hard time getting over their affairs emotionally and psychologically
• Why women overwhelmingly initiate the majority of all divorces – even when they’re married to good men
• Why and how men unknowingly make the problem worse by doing the opposite of what they need to do to save their marriages
Women’s Infidelity II: Breaking Out Of Limbo
Learn how to understand your feelings for your husband, and:
• How to know if your feelings for the other man are real
• How to understand your feelings for your husband – what it really means when you say, “I love him, but I’m not “in” love with him
• How to know if there’s a possibility for a future with the other man
• How to stop your circular thinking
• How to end your confusion and move forward in 7 clearly defined steps
• Men: Learn how women process infidelity. Find out exactly what your wife is thinking and feeling
Get The Information You Need To Move Forward