When Your Two “Yous” Are Fighting To Control You
As authors Chip and Dan Heath explain in their book, Switch, “Your brain isn’t of one mind. The…brain has two independent systems at work at all times. First, there’s what’s called the emotional side. It’s the part of you that is instinctive, that feels pain and pleasure. Second, there’s the rational side, also known as the reflective or conscious system. It’s the part of you that deliberates and analyzes and looks into the future.”
Attachment and Autonomy — All Of Us Are Torn Between Two Fundamental Urges…
As authors Carter and Sokol explain in their book, He’s Scared She’s Scared, “…all of us are torn between two fundamental urges. On the one hand, each of us has a profound desire to merge with another human being and become a part of something larger than self; on the other, we have an equally basic need to feel independent, free to make choices without constraint or compromise. Finding a way to balance the urge to merge with the desire to be free is what commitment is all about. Here’s the problem: These two needs are diametrically opposed.”
All of us have two opposing energies inside us. Unfortunately, the old (and false) belief that men want sexual variety while women want relationships still exists in many people’s minds today; However, as clinical psychologist and sex therapist David Schnarch points out in his book, Intimacy & Desire, “The tension between our desire for sexual variety and our desire for pair-bonding and sexual exclusivity arises in all of us, regardless of gender.”
In the past, society was set up to make men “crave freedom” and women “crave merger.” Today, it’s just the opposite; females are now being socialized to believe that they’re superior to males in the same way that males were socialized to believe that they were superior to females in the past. As a result, it’s almost impossible for women (like men in the past) to feel happy and satisfied in their relationships because of their belief in their own superiority. Feeling superior to others makes us constantly feel like we can do better.
When The Heart (Emotional/Unconscious Mind) And the Head (Rational/Conscious Mind) Disagree
During an affair, women spend a lot of time and energy ‘comparing’ and weighing the differences between their husbands and their affair partners. If you’re like most women, I’m sure you probably believe that, eventually, all of your “thinking” will lead you to a decision – a decision as to whether you want to ‘stay married‘ or ‘get divorced‘.
However, it’s impossible to accurately assess an affair partner as a “real-life” partner until AFTER you get divorced. The fact is leaving a spouse for an affair partner automatically moves the affair partner into a different category; and therefore, turns the affair partner into something else entirely. By that, I mean, the affair partner stops causing one type of chemical to be produced inside your brain and instead causes a different type of chemical to be produced.
So, again, you really can’t get any ‘data’ for how your affair partner will be as a “real-life” relationship partner in an exclusive pair-bond until after you leave your husband – and on some level, you probably already know this. In fact, if you’re like most women, you’re quite aware of what you’re really getting from the affair: passion and excitement. The simple truth is new sexual partners energize us, and that’s what women (and men) really love about affairs; it’s the ENERGY.
I’m sure you don’t want to lose all the energy and zest for life that you’re getting from the affair. As I explain in Women’s Infidelity II, women often view staying in their their marriages as a form of death. However, women only feel this way because they don’t believe it’s possible for their relationships with their husbands to be fulfilling – but this isn’t necessarily true.
Generally Speaking, Affair Partners Usually Aren’t Good Replacements For A Spouse.
Generally speaking, affair partners usually aren’t good replacements for a spouse; instead they’re good ‘complements’ to a spouse. In other words, the people we choose to have affairs with are rarely the people we would choose to marry or be in a long-term relationship with – if we were single.
When we’re open to an affair, our standards are lower because we’re already getting some of our needs met by our spouse, so we’re not looking for the total package, so to speak; instead, we’re only looking for ‘what’s missing’. In fact, when I coach women they often bring this up. Women regularly say things like, “The man I’m seeing really isn’t my type. I’m normally not attracted to men like him.”
If you haven’t read the Women’s Infidelity books, that’s where you need to start. You’ll learn why women experience so much internal conflict when they cheat on their husbands. You’ll also find out the 7 steps women must take in order to break out of limbo.
#1 Source For Information About Female Infidelity
Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo
Learn the REAL reasons women cheat, and:
• Why women lose sexual desire for their husbands
• Why women are more likely than men to become addicted to affair sex
• Why marriage and fidelity can actually be MORE difficult for women than it is for men
• Why women have such a hard time getting over their affairs emotionally and psychologically
• Why women overwhelmingly initiate the majority of all divorces – even when they’re married to good men
• Why and how men unknowingly make the problem worse by doing the opposite of what they need to do to save their marriages
Women’s Infidelity II: Breaking Out Of Limbo
Learn how to understand your feelings for your husband, and:
• How to know if your feelings for the other man are real
• How to understand your feelings for your husband – what it really means when you say, “I love him, but I’m not “in” love with him
• How to know if there’s a possibility for a future with the other man
• How to stop your circular thinking
• How to end your confusion and move forward in 7 clearly defined steps
• Men: Learn how women process infidelity. Find out exactly what your wife is thinking and feeling
Get The Information You Need To Move Forward