Choosing Between Your Husband And An Affair Partner
Is your head telling you one thing, but your heart is telling you something else? When we’re torn, it just means that different parts of our brain are at war with each other. As authors Chip and Dan Heath explain in their book, Switch, “Your brain isn’t of one mind. The …brain has two independent systems at work at all times.” You see, these two systems often generate conflicting impulses because each system has opposite concerns.
All of us are driven by two primary drives: autonomy (the drive to be independent and free) and attachment (the drive to merge with another human being). These two drives are opposed to each other. As clinical psychologist and sex therapist David Schnarch points out in his book, Intimacy & Desire, “The tension between our desire for sexual variety and our desire for pair-bonding and sexual exclusivity arises in all of us, regardless of gender.”
Women spend a lot of time and energy ‘comparing’ and weighing the differences…
Unfortunately, women spend a lot of time and energy ‘comparing’ and weighing the differences between their husbands and their affair partners. Women spend so much time ‘comparing’ and weighing the differences because they believe it will eventually lead them to a decision – a decision as to whether they want to ‘stay married‘ or ‘get divorced‘. However, as I explain in Women’s Infidelity II, women rarely reach a decision because comparing a husband with an affair partner is like comparing a refrigerator with a television. Each provides something entirely different from the other, so making comparisons between the two is completely ineffective.
As Dr. Breuning writes in her book, Habits of a Happy Brain, “Your brain will never stop trying to promote your survival. It takes what you have for granted and looks for ways to get more––more rewards (dopamine), more physical security (endorphin), more social support (oxytocin), more respect (serotonin). Seeking more is risky. Your brain is constantly deciding whether it’s worth giving up some of this to get more of that.”
Leaving a spouse for an affair partner automatically moves the affair partner into a different category; and therefore, turns the affair partner into something else entirely. By that, I mean, the affair partner stops producing one type of brain chemical and starts producing another. You really can’t get any ‘data’ for how your affair partner will be in this new category, until after you leave your husband. Prior to that point, you just don’t have any way of knowing what your affair partner will be like as a real-life relationship partner in an exclusive pair-bond.
On some level, women are acutely aware of what they’re really getting from the affair: passion and excitement. The fact is new sexual partners energize us, and that’s what women (and men) really love about affairs; it’s the ENERGY. Women don’t want to lose all the energy and zest for life that they’re getting from the affair. As I explain in Women’s Infidelity II, women often view staying in their their marriages as a form of death. However, women only feel this way because they don’t believe it’s possible for their relationships with their husbands to be fulfilling – but this isn’t necessarily true.
Generally speaking, affair partners usually aren’t good replacements for a spouse.
Generally speaking, affair partners usually aren’t good replacements for a spouse; instead they’re good ‘complements’ to a spouse. In other words, the people we choose to have affairs with are rarely the people we would choose to marry or be in a long-term relationship with – if we were single.
When we’re open to an affair, our standards are lower because we’re already getting some of our needs met by our spouse, so we’re not looking for the total package, so to speak; instead, we’re only looking for ‘what’s missing’. In fact, when I coach women they often bring this up. Women regularly say things like, “The man I’m seeing really isn’t my type. I’m normally not attracted to men like him.”
If you haven’t read the Women’s Infidelity books, that’s where you need to start. You’ll learn why women experience so much internal conflict when they cheat on their husbands. You’ll also find out the 7 steps women must take in order to break out of limbo.
#1 Source For Information About Female Infidelity
Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo
Learn the REAL reasons women cheat, and:
• Why women lose sexual desire for their husbands
• Why women are more likely than men to become addicted to affair sex
• Why marriage and fidelity can actually be MORE difficult for women than it is for men
• Why women have such a hard time getting over their affairs emotionally and psychologically
• Why women overwhelmingly initiate the majority of all divorces – even when they’re married to good men
• Why and how men unknowingly make the problem worse by doing the opposite of what they need to do to save their marriages
Women’s Infidelity II: Breaking Out Of Limbo
Learn how to understand your feelings for your husband, and:
• How to know if your feelings for the other man are real
• How to understand your feelings for your husband – what it really means when you say, “I love him, but I’m not “in” love with him
• How to know if there’s a possibility for a future with the other man
• How to stop your circular thinking
• How to end your confusion and move forward in 7 clearly defined steps
• Men: Learn how women process infidelity. Find out exactly what your wife is thinking and feeling
Get The Information You Need To Move Forward