Are You Fueling Your Wife’s Affair? Find Out If You're Caught In The Downward Spiral And Inadvertently Intensifying Your Wife's Feelings For The “Other” Man.
Are You Caught In “The Downward Spiral?”
If your wife is having an affair, and you still want to save your marriage, it’s vital that you don’t get caught in “the downward spiral” that men commonly get caught in after discovering their wives’ affair. You see, men who are unable to save their marriages usually move through four predictable stages. And unfortunately, as you will learn from reading the stages below, men who spiral down through the stages often live in limbo for months, and sometimes years, prior to getting divorced; while their wives continue to cheat and have affairs.
In Stage One, men are shocked and disoriented. Panic attacks, loss of appetite and extreme difficulty with normal, everyday functioning is quite common. Men at this stage are often frightened and desperate to save their marriages and, unlike the latter stages, they are genuinely confused about their wives’ behavior.
Men who don’t let go completely and focus their attention on their own healing at Stage One will move into Stage Two—focusing laser-like attention on their wives instead. At Stage Two men constantly monitor and analyze everything their wives say and do in a desperate search for signs of hope. Consequently, because they are only looking for signs of hope they are blind to all the obvious signs pointing to their wives’ lack of commitment and continued involvement with another man. Men at this stage tend to view their wives as though they were some sort of mysterious and complicated puzzle. In fact, the way they view their wives is similar to how women often view men who are either disinterested or unwilling to commit to them. They spend endless hours obsessing and analyzing their wives’ behavior in an attempt to figure out what their wives are “really” thinking and feeling; and when they’re not obsessing and gathering information about why women cheat or about women in general, they’re splitting hairs over what constitutes cheating; believing that it matters whether their wives had an emotional affair or a physical affair, intercourse or oral sex, or whether they had sex one time or a hundred times.
Unfortunately, these men are trying to avoid the real issue. The real issue is that their wives betrayed them and broke their marital agreement; and in most cases, their marital agreement didn’t involve their wives having either an emotional or physical relationship with someone outside of the marriage. So, although there isn’t a mystery that needs to be solved, these men need to believe that there is one in order to distract themselves from their pain.
Like so many women who try to decipher male behavior, these men are unaware that analyzing is a defense mechanism and that we are all prone and/or are tempted to do it when we are trying to avoid painful feelings. In fact, analyzing and circular thinking is quite common in the first stage of grief—denial.
(Note: The behavior of men at Stage One and Two is typically passive, pleasing, and compliant.)
Eventually, after observing their wives long enough to see through some of their lies and manipulations, many men move into a third stage and begin to strategize. Men at Stage Three use a variety of tactics to coax their wives back into the marriage. They continue to be submissive and subject themselves to repeated humiliation, but at this stage they are alternately dominant and begin issuing threats and ultimatums—although they usually have no intention of following through with them. Consequently, their wives continue to cross every imaginary line they draw in the sand.
However, a shift does occur at Stage Three. Although men continue to pursue their wives and may still prefer the option of staying married over getting divorced, the goal for men changes from wanting to save their marriages to wanting to WIN. Men at Stage Three want to outwit their wives, so to speak, and beat them at their own game.
Unfortunately, these men are completely unaware that they are caught in the same addiction and are chasing after the same high as their wives. In fact, most men (and women) aren’t aware that the fear of rejection/abandonment from a spouse or romantic partner triggers the production of certain chemicals in the brain. These chemicals create intense feelings of passion, love, and attraction, and this is why both sexes regularly chase after disinterested, uncommitted, unavailable, and sometimes even abusive partners. Put in the simplest and crudest of terms, the threat of being rejected or abandoned is a powerful turn-on.
Note: Most men at this stage are either seeing other women, having affairs of their own, or are open to seeing other women. Although men are no longer committed to their wives at this stage, they often want their wives to believe they are. Thus, they pretend to be committed.
When men move into Stage Four they’ve reached a point where they will no longer receive a chemical payoff for winning their wives back. The chemical cocktail their brains were producing that clouded their thinking and caused them to feel anxious and excited—and drove them toward the goal of winning their wives back—has run dry. The automatic scorekeeper that we all have inside our heads has tipped and men’s feelings have flatlined because their wives have finally caused them more pain than pleasure. Because these men have crossed over the “more pain than pleasure” threshold, the chemicals in their brains are working in reverse, so to speak; and as a result, at Stage four, men start to feel a natural aversion toward their wives and, in some cases, may even be totally repulsed by them. However, this doesn’t mean that men at Stage Four will file for divorce. These men, similar to their wives, would rather not take responsibility for ending their marriages. Instead, they often continue to live in limbo while they wait for their wives to divorce them.
Note: When we decide to ride out our feelings in a relationship, we are choosing to let our feelings die. So, the decision that we are actually making from the onset is to end the relationship—passively. Unfortunately, most people don’t realize that there are two distinct approaches to ending relationships: active and passive. Passive endings are slow and gradual because the goal is to make it seem like nothing major is really happening.
Changing The Trajectory of Your Marriage.
The downward spiral is the natural sequence of events that occurs for men who don’t let go and instead, try to win their wives’ approval after the discovery of an affair or infidelity. Men who save their marriages, on the other hand, do just the opposite; these men let go completely and don’t participate in the affair triangle.
What Letting Go Accomplishes.
- Letting go prevents further deterioration of the marital relationship
- Letting go helps to extinguish the intensity of the affair; holding on, does just the opposite – it fuels the intensity of the affair. In other words, the more you hold on, the more passion and excitement your wife feels for her affair partner.
- Letting go allows you to regain control over your emotions.
What It Means To Let Go.
Letting go means: To face the worst case scenario and make peace with it. Prior to letting go, men are constantly swinging between hope and despair; one minute, they get their hopes up—because they think they see a positive sign, and the next minute, their hopes get dashed—because they think they see a negative sign. Hopes up—hopes dashed. Rinse and repeat. Men who save their marriages stop themselves from falling into this futile, addictive, pattern of deterioration. In other words, these men protect themselves from being hurt over and over again by not engaging in one of the single most counter-productive behaviors to healing and saving the marriage: trying to change your wife’s mind.
Why Trying To Change Your Wife’s Mind Will Never Work.
When you try to change someone’s mind, they will typically do the opposite of whatever they believe you want them to do. This is human nature (it’s just how the brain works). So, if you’re trying to change your wife’s mind (trying to please her or reason with her) you’re only planting your wife more firmly and deeply into her position while simultaneously increasing her desire for the other man.
Do An Honest Assessment. Do You Feel Out Of Control?
Oftentimes, men know what they need to do, but have trouble doing it and remaining consistent in their efforts, without clear direction and ongoing support. If you see yourself in the stages above, it’s crucial that you do an honest assessment to determine whether you can manage your anxiety and get your emotions under control on your own. If you’re feeling out of control and your behavior has become compulsive—don’t put off getting the help you need. Contact Ashley to learn more about scheduling a consultation.
If you haven’t read the Women’s Infidelity books, that’s where you need to start. You’ll learn how women process infidelity and find out exactly what your wife is thinking and feeling – so you can stop analyzing – and stop operating from a mindset that leads to divorce.
“The Women’s Infidelity Books Are The First Step
In Your Journey To Feeling Normal Again”
Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo
Learn the REAL reasons women cheat, and:
• Why women lose sexual desire for their husbands
• Why women are more likely than men to become addicted to affair sex
• Why marriage and fidelity can actually be MORE difficult for women than it is for men
• Why women overwhelmingly initiate the majority of all divorces – even when they’re married to good men
• Why and how men unknowingly make the problem worseby doing the opposite of what they need to do to save their marriages
Women’s Infidelity II: Breaking Out Of Limbo
Learn how to understand your feelings for your husband, and:
• How to know if your feelings for the other man are real
• How to understand your feelings for your husband – what it really means when you say, “I love him, but I’m not “in” love with him
• How to know if there’s a possibility for a future with the other man
• How to stop your circular thinking
• How to end your confusion and move forward in 7 clearly defined steps