The Pain Of Betrayal: How Avoiding Full Impact Sets The Wheels Of Addiction In Motion
How Men Fall Into The Same Addictive Pattern As Their Wives
As David Richo explains in his book, How To Be An Adult In Relationships, “…in the midst of a crisis of infidelity…The risky move is also the only reasonable option…to let go completely. This requires enormous discipline because the ego wants to assert itself and regain its power…Yet our work…is…simple: to witness the events and players rather than to be players.”
Men become players in the affair triangle (read The Affair Triangle article here) when they fool themselves into thinking that they can avoid or lessen the pain of their wives betrayal, by getting their wives to recommit to the marriage and fall back in love with them. This error in thinking is the primary cause of men’s suffering; because men’s pain over their wives betrayal can’t be lessened or avoided, only prolonged and exacerbated. Men prolong and exacerbate their suffering when they follow in their wives footsteps and begin chasing after a feeling in the future to avoid experiencing painful feelings – now.
If you see yourself in the stages, you must understand that you’re caught in the same addictive pattern as your wife. As Gary Zukav explains in his book, Soul to Soul, “If you are in a relationship and “fall in love” with someone else…or think that you have found the one and only person you were destined to be with, or who will complete you, or fulfill you, ask yourself if you are running from the issues that have surfaced in your current relationship. Is the idea of a new relationship affecting you the way that an anesthetic affects an individual in physical pain? Is it exhilarating or euphoric? Is it keeping you from the experience of very real and difficult issues in your life?”
If you’re like most men, you can easily see that your wife’s affair is affecting her like a drug. But you probably can’t see that the idea of getting your wife to recommit to the marriage and fall back in love with you is affecting you like a drug, too. This is the piece to the puzzle that men usually miss.
As Helen Fisher explains in her book, Why We Love, Helen “…as the adored one slips away, the very chemicals that contribute to feelings of romance grow even more potent, intensifying ardent passion, fear, and anxiety, and impelling us to protest and try with all our strength to secure our reward: the departing loved one.”
If you see yourself in the stages, you must realize that you’re in a similar fog as your wife; and just like your wife, you’re being lead by your emotions. You must see the similarities between your wife’s behavior and your own behavior. You must understand that the real reason your wife won’t give up her affair and recommit to the marriage is the same reason that you won’t let go and stop trying to change your wife’s mind – it’s because you don’t feel like it.
As Chip and Dan Heath explain in their book Switch, “Your brain isn’t of one mind. The …brain has two independent systems at work at all times. First, there’s what’s called the emotional side. It’s the part of you that is instinctive, that feels pain and pleasure. Second, there’s the rational side, also known as the reflective or conscious system. It’s the part of you that deliberates and analyzes and looks into the future.”
When Richo says that the only reasonable option is to let go completely, what he’s saying is that all other options are emotional––and therefore––short-sighted. As the Heath brothers point out, “The weakness of…our emotional and instinctive side, is clear: It’s lazy and skittish, often looking for the quick payoff (ice cream cone) over the long-term payoff (being thin).”
Men must understand that letting go completely, increases the likelihood of saving the marriage in the long-term. Holding on is actually a short-term strategy that we use to avoid feeling the brunt of our pain now.
Do An Honest Assessment. Do You Feel Out Of Control?
Men often know what they need to do, but they have have difficulty remaining consistent in their efforts because their emotions are constantly getting triggered by their wives’ behavior. If you’re moving through the stages, it’s crucial that you do an honest assessment to determine whether you can manage your anxiety and get your emotions under control on your own. If you’re feeling out of control and your behavior has become compulsive—don’t put off getting the help you need. Contact Ashley to learn more about scheduling a consultation.
If you haven’t read the Women’s Infidelity books, that’s where you need to start. You’ll find out exactly what your wife is thinking and feeling – so you can stop analyzing—and stop operating from a mindset that leads to divorce.
#1 Source For Information About Female Infidelity
Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo
Learn the REAL reasons women cheat, and:
• Why women lose sexual desire for their husbands
• Why women are more likely than men to become addicted to affair sex
• Why marriage and fidelity can actually be MORE difficult for women than it is for men
• Why women have such a hard time getting over their affairs emotionally and psychologically
• Why women overwhelmingly initiate the majority of all divorces – even when they’re married to good men
• Why and how men unknowingly make the problem worse by doing the opposite of what they need to do to save their marriages
Women’s Infidelity II: Breaking Out Of Limbo
Learn how to understand your feelings for your husband, and:
• How to know if your feelings for the other man are real
• How to understand your feelings for your husband – what it really means when you say, “I love him, but I’m not “in” love with him
• How to know if there’s a possibility for a future with the other man
• How to stop your circular thinking
• How to end your confusion and move forward in 7 clearly defined steps
• Men: Learn how women process infidelity. Find out exactly what your wife is thinking and feeling
Get The Information You Need To Move Forward