The Truth About Female Infidelity
The media has finally begun to acknowledge, albeit to a small degree, the widespread problem of female infidelity. Recently, several books and articles have attempted to explain why women are now cheating as much as men. However, very important pieces to this extremely complicated puzzle continue to be left out. The reason is twofold: some who write and speak about this subject haven’t done enough research, so consequently they simply regurgitate old, outdated information that has little to do with the real reasons women cheat; others obviously want to avoid controversy and are afraid to disclose certain key pieces of information because the truth is so contrary to our current beliefs. Unfortunately, without these missing pieces, it’s impossible to understand, and to subsequently fix, the real problem occurring in relationships today.
Shortly after my 27th birthday, I began to feel very different. I had been happily married for 4 years and then, suddenly out of nowhere, I began feeling bored and unhappy. In an attempt to figure out what was causing my unhappiness, I looked for answers in books, tried to talk to my Mother and eventually went to see a psychologist. All of the information I received attributed the way I was feeling to my husband, and similar to the majority of women, I began to view my husband as the culprit too.
Currently, women are initiating 70 – 75% of all divorces
Later, through my own research, I discovered that what I was experiencing was quite normal. In fact, women are the most likely to divorce in their late twenties and thirties after an average of 4 years of marriage. During this time, it’s quite common for women to experience a pre-midlife crisis, which is similar to the male midlife crisis, only with an important difference – a difference that can actually make women more likely to cheat than men.
The “stages” that women often experience during the course of their long-term relationships
Several years into my research I was able to identify distinctive patterns and behaviors in the women I interviewed. I categorized these into four separate “stages” that women often experience during the course of their long-term relationships. The stages begin with a loss of sexual desire.
Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them. Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are in some way defective. They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husbands to cheat, or worse yet, leave them.
Women at Stage 2 experience reawakened desire stimulated by an encounter outside the marital relationship. Whether these encounters with a “new” man involves sex or remain platonic, women will typically give a tremendous amount of emotional significance to these encounters. Many women in this stage haven’t felt any sexual desire for a long time. Many experience tremendous guilt and regret, regardless of whether their new relationships are sexual, merely emotional, or both. Most begin to experience what could be termed an identity crisis—even those who try to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders are everywhere. They feel guilt when the topic of infidelity arises, whether in the media, in conversations with family and friends, or at home with their husbands. Women in this stage can no longer express their prior disdain for infidelity without feeling likea hypocrite. They feel as though they have lost a part of themselves. Reflecting society’s belief that women are either “good” or “bad,” women will question their “good girl” status and feel that they might not be deserving of their husbands. Many will try to overcome feelings of guilt by becoming more attentive toward and appreciative of their husbands. However, over time many women will move from appreciation to justification. In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin to attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their husband’s past behavior. Many women will become negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and their marriages and it is not uncommon for an extramarital affair to follow.
Women at Stage 3 are involved in affairs, ending affairs, or contemplating divorce. Women who are having affairs experience feelings unlike anything they have experienced before. They feel “alive” again and many believe they have found their soul mates. These women are experiencing feelings associated with a chemically altered state, or what is typically referred to as being in love. These women are also typically in tremendous pain, the pain of choosing between their husbands and their new love interests. They typically believe that what they are doing is wrong and unfair to their husbands, but yet are unable to end their affairs. Many often try several times. Prior to meeting with their lovers, they will vow that it will be the last time, but they are unable to stick with their decisions. Unable to end their extramarital relationships, women at Stage 3 conclude that their lovers are soul mates because they are unaware that they have become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released during the initial stages of a relationship. Many live in a state of limbo for years. “Should I stay married or should I get a divorce?” this is the question continuously on the minds of women at Stage 3 – it is also common for women at this stage to attempt to initiate a separation. In most cases, husbands of women at Stage 3, will launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of women’s past and present complaints, the last thing women at Stage 3 want, is to spend more time with their husbands. The reason many women will give for their desire to separate is a “search for self.” They convince their husbands that they might be able to save their marriage if they can just have time to themselves. They tell their husbands that time apart is the only hope of improving their current situation. Women at this stage want to free themselves of the restrictions of marriage and spend more time with their lovers. Most think that eventually their confusion will disappear. They think they will eventually know with certainty whether they want to stay married or get divorced and be with their lovers. Separation allows women at this stage, to enjoy the high they experience with their lovers without giving up the security of their marriages. Husbands of Stage 3 women are often unaware that their wives are having affairs. Their lack of suspicion is typically due to their wife’s disinterest in sex and in their belief that their wife is a “good girl.”Women at Stage 3 may also be experiencing the ending of an extramarital affair, and the ending may not have been their decision. They may have been involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could not progress or who became attracted to another women who was single. Women whose affairs are ending often experience extreme grief. They may become deeply depressed and express tremendous anger toward their husbands. They are typically unaware that they are experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden changes in their brain chemistry. As a result, many will feel that they have missed their chance at happiness due to their indecisiveness. Believing they have become more aware of what they want and need from a mate, women at this stage will often place the utmost importance on finding a ”new” relationship that will give them the feeling they experienced in their affairs. Anew relationship with a new partner will also represent a clean slate, a chance for these women to regain their “good girl” status. Some women will search for new partners during their separations. Others will return to their marriages, but not emotionally and still continue to search. Some women will resume sporadic sexual relations with their husbands in an effort to safeguard their marriage until they make a decision. Although they are often not sexually attracted to their husbands, desire is temporarily rekindled when they suspect their husbands are unfaithful, are contemplating infidelity, or when their husbands show signs of moving on.
The women in stage four included those who chose to stay married and continue their affairs and those who chose to divorce. Some of the women who continued their affairs stated that marital sex was improved by maintaining the extramarital relationship. Some thought the lover was a soul mate, but for one reason or another did not leave their husband and did not feel torn between the two. Others realized that their feelings were intensified by not sharing day-to-day living arrangements with their lover. Almost all of the women in this latter category were having affairs with married men. They believed their affairs could continue indefinitely without disrupting either partner’s primary relationship. The women who chose divorce and were in the beginning stages of a new relationship typically expressed relief at having finally made a decision and reported feeling normal again. Many of the divorced women who had remarried and were several years into their new marriages seemed somewhat reluctant to talk about the specifics of their past experiences. However, they did mention feelings of guilt and regret for having hurt their children and ex-spouses only to find themselves experiencing similar feelings in the new relationship.
Women are cheating and relationships are ending because men and women lack necessary information. The information in Women’s Infidelity should be common knowledge to couples, both married and unmarried, and to dating males and females. Trying to have a relationship in today’s world without the information in this book is like to trying to read without knowing the letters of the alphabet. This is not an exaggeration ─ it’s a fact.
Reviews and Letters from Readers
“I have been reading your book all week and have found it to be completely insightful and clarifying. I have been married for 7 yearsand have a 3 year old at home. I have not engaged in an affair but over but over the last few months have definitely considered looking for it…Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I feel clearer now than I have for a long time. I know my whole family is going to benefit from this information.” Katie Little
“…chapter , alone, is worth the US cover price…what is here is impressive…” Donna Dillman, GRIP Magazine
”I just happened across your website today and what I’ve found is truly enlightening. As a psychologist I did have occasion to study marriage and marriage counseling to some degree but my primary interest has always been in working with children and adolescents. Clearly there is a significant absence of information such as yours being disseminated to graduating psychologists in training. Having been down the marital breakup path, I can also clearly attest to the accuracy of your conclusions…I do thank-you for writing such an insightful and informative book and will share it with my numerous friends who are currently experiencing similar marital challenges, as well as some of my professional colleagues who are more directly involved in working with couples…” - Dr. D
I wish to congratulate you…yours is by far the most razor-sharp study of female infidelity ever done. Ever. And that’s not hyperbole… - Richard James
“I can’t thank you enough for publishing your book, which I downloaded and last night read cover to cover until 2:30am. What struck me was that many times in the book, you described my wife’s behavior – right on down to verbatim quotes – and mine in frighteningly accurate detail. I have a better understanding of what has happened. Her relationship did not get physical, but it would have eventually, I’m sure. Understanding why is a huge part of forgiving her…I’ve made more progress with your book in a few hours than we have with a therapist in 6 weeks. With any luck, you may have been a major factor in saving our marriage. Thank you, thank you, thank you.” - A loving, and…less confused, husband
“I just read your book cover to cover. Two sittings… much of it with… my wife. We can never thank you enough. I believe it was key to saving our marriage.” - Keith Vaughn
“Before reading your book, I had been living in limbo for almost two years. I was so confused and I felt like I was going crazy. I even went to a psychologist to try and figure out what was wrong with me. I had just about given up all hope and then I heard you on the radio talking about your book. Thank you so much for writing this book. For the first time in a long time I finally feel like I’m getting back to normal again.” - Justine Pace
“I heard you on the radio and I thought you may have some answers for me since I had just caught my wife cheating. I was wondering why this was happening so I ordered your book. I received your book the other day and read it cover to cover. I was amazed. It seemed to be written about my marriage.” - Tom Brickner, Los Angeles
“Women’s Infidelity is a MUST read for EVERY heterosexual male and female. Both are at a disadvantage in their relationships without having this information.” - Thomas Astor, New York
Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo Explains:
· Why females push males for commitment
· Why females “think” they’re naturally monogamous and why males think so too
· Why women can’t tell men what they really want
· Why women like getting married but not being married
· Why women lose sexual desire for their husbands and what women really do want sexually
· Why women are more likely than men to become addicted to affair sex
· Why marriage and fidelity can actually be MORE difficult for women than it is for men
· Why women overwhelmingly initiate the majority of all divorces – even when they’re married to men who love and treat them well
· Why and how men unknowingly make the problem worse by doing exactly the opposite of what they need to do in order to fix the problem
Women’s Infidelity II: Breaking Out of Limbo Explains:
· How to get clear about what you’re really doing
· How to understand your feelings for your husband – what it really means when you say, “I love him, but I’m not “in” love with him
· How to know if your feelings for the “other man” are real
· How to know if there’s a possibility for a future with the other man
· How to stop your circular thinking
· How to end your confusion and move forward in 7 clearly defined steps
Limbo is one of the most painful experiences we can go through in our relationships. I’ve interviewed several hundred people in this situation and I’ve also been there myself. When I was going through it, I felt like I had an ailment, a condition of some sort. At the time, I just knew I had something and whatever it was, it wasn’t normal.
For several reasons, which I explain in my book, infidelity and marital limbo are quickly becoming the norm for women and, as I’ve already pointed out, women are also initiating 70 – 75% of all divorces.
I sincerely believe that the information in Women’s Infidelity is crucial for both males and females, regardless of their relationship status. Furthermore, I also believe that it would be a mistake to end a relationship prior to reading this book.
─ Michelle Langley
More Letters from Readers
“This is the most honest book about women I’ve ever read. In so many ways, how we think, feel and behave is a mystery, even to us women. I applaud Michelle Langley for her willingness to say what nobody else has the courage to say.” -Candice Billings, MS
“Your book was more informative than all the counseling that I have had in the past year.” - Ashley Baxter
“I don’t know how I can ever thank you. Your book saved my marriage. After I read it I had my wife read it. My wife and I have now not only reconciled but we also have a much more honest relationship.” - Mark Brennin
“Thank you for bringing everything into focus. It took guts to put this information out there and I can’t thank you enough for doing it. “ - Allissa Misloch
“What I find so disturbing is that I could have been in counseling for another 10 years and I still would not have learned anything about what I learned from your books. I am grateful to you for putting this information out there for people like me who have been hurting and confused for so long.” - Julie Heckner