Dear Michelle:
I just happened across your website today and what I've found is truly
enlightening.
As a psychologist I did have occasion to study marriage and marriage counseling
to some degree but my primary interest has always been in working with children
and adolescents.
Clearly there is a significant absence of information such
as yours being disseminated to graduating psychologists in training. Having been
down the marital breakup path, I can also clearly attest to the accuracy of your
conclusions.
You have provided me with a wealth of insight that will
serve me well in my professional work but more importantly, at least for me, you
have helped me to understand some of the primary if not the primary factor in
the eventual failure of my own marriage. I witnessed, seemingly from the
sidelines, the changes my wife was going through and had no real insight into
what was really happening. I went through all of the motions and attempts at
rekindling things in my marriage, all to no avail. I eventually found out that
my wife had been having a number of extramarital affairs and ultimately was
crushed by this revelation. How could my wife ever do something like that. She
was always in my eyes, one of the "good girls". The dutiful wife and mother of
our three children. I felt we were happily married but my wife just didn't like
sex anymore and I wanted it more than ever.
I specifically remember the night she came home from a night
out with one of her girlfriends and seemingly out of the blue, told me that she
wanted some time alone and that she felt we should separate, at least for
awhile. At this point I was unaware of any infidelity and when the possibility
was broached by friends, including a close friend of hers, I recoiled and said
that there was no way. Not my wife. She was just unhappy and stressed out with
the demands of raising our three kids. She often suggested that she was tired,
suffering from TMJ or other ailments and ultimately would communicate such to me
as a means of avoiding sex.
In searching for an explanation I contemplated possible
physiological answers, maybe she was Bipolar, maybe her testosterone levels were
low LOL. She wouldn't let me near her and was always angry. Inevitably she cited
a number of different reasons for wanting to leave but none ever really seemed
to be legitimate.
In the end we did separate and divorce and she went on to
live with who I believe was the last of a string of men she had been involved
with, but she remained angry and antagonistic towards me.
I now realize that the anger that she directs at me probably
rests in the resentment and guilt that she feels towards herself. She was raised
in a very conservative environment in which leaving your husband or infidelity
would be looked upon very negatively. I needed to be viewed as a bad husband for
her to justify her actions. She had also always been quite sensitive to social
perceptions around what was appropriate behavior for a woman.
In the four years since she finally moved out she has
remained with her boyfriend but what I've noticed is that the spark that I had
seen in
her when
she first left, has slowly fizzled and faded out. I
wasn't her first marriage and I expect her current relationship may not be her
last. She just turned 40 a few months ago but I don't see any immediate
stability for her in her current relationship. I expect that she will be looking
for that high again if in fact she is not already out there searching or
indulging herself presently. If I note a newfound spark in her presentation, I
think I may know from what it stems.
Anyways, I do thank-you for writing such an insightful and
informative book and will share it with my numerous friends who are currently
experiencing similar marital challenges, as well as some of my professional
colleagues who are more directly involved in working with couples.
Thanx again,
Dr.
D
I just finished reading your book and I give it an A++. I
read lots of books and this one stands out as having the potential to
change my way of thinking. This book should be required reading for every
male and female of dating and marriage age, and especially college students.
You are clearly a deep thinker who has spent endless hours unraveling the
paradox of modern male-female power dynamics. I'll be interested in seeing
what your next project will be...Thank you for all
your honesty, balance and even-handedness in terms of calling men and women to
task for their charades, for the years of research, and for all the struggle and
commitment it took to put this out there. May life reward you greatly for
the work that you are doing.
Sincerely,
Bernard
Michelle,
I never write testimonials, and seldom review books. Yours however, is
exceptional. Thanks so much for your insight into women's affairs & midlife
crises. If there is a "women code" that corresponds to the "man code" your book
violates it. For that I am eternally grateful. Your book provided me with
a compass and powerful insights that guided me through the most confusing and
difficult time of my life. This kind of insight simply was not available
anywhere else.
My wife was able to tell
me the truth last night while we had a good heart-to-heart conversation. It
appears that we have a good chance of our separation concluding with my wife
moving back home and us working on our marriage together.
It was a treacherous
journey, one that I would have most surely bungled without your book.
Best Regards,
Mike
Dear Michelle,
I wanted to write to say thank you for putting together all this hard work
and sharing it with the world. I have been reading your book all week and
have found it to be completely insightful and clarifying. I have been
married for 7 years and have a 3 year old at home. I have not engaged in an
affair but over the last few months have definitely considered looking for
it. After reading your book I no longer feel insane for my 'feelings' and
'desires'. I feel a bit guilty but I also recognize that as a normal part
of being female. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I feel clearer now than
I have for a long time. I know my whole family is going to benefit from this information.
Thank you, keep up the good work.
Katie Little
Michelle
I am a very successful executive, similar to "Kevin" in your book (except
only married once). I just read your book cover to cover. Two
sittings... much of it with ... my wife. We can never thank you enough. I
believe it was a key to saving our happy marriage. Let me explain.
I have been married to the same wonderful woman for 28 years. The reason for
me reading the book relates to incidents that occurred a
long time ago.
The reasons the truth came to light and the
outcome in this case (very positive) was very directly the result of reading
the truths in your book and overcoming lifelong lies imbedded in my belief
system about women's sexuality.
We will be using your book as a guide for addressing the subject with our
two daughters and others we know are affected.
Again, my most sincere thanks for a wonderful book.
Keith
Michelle,
Your book is
the book that everyone's been waiting for.
I can't believe how informative and
incredibly insightful your book is, I felt like I
was reading my own owner's manual. As a woman, I
can honestly say that
there isn't one word of your
book that I don't agree with.
Thank you for writing this book, it has helped me to understand so much
about myself. I really believe that everyone should read your book.
For all the reasons you discuss, women just DO NOT
understand themselves and this creates many problems in relationships.
Reading your book has not only
changed my marriage, it has changed my life!
My deepest thanks,
Stacey
Michelle
I have enjoyed reading you book.
I have learned quite a bit about the issues that my wife and I have been
going through for the past 2 years. Your book is unlike any other that I have
read, and I have read just about everything in print
on the subject. Why other books avoid the "how and why" of infidelity I
will never know. Those are the questions that everyone wants and needs
answered, and why people reach for various books on
the topic of infidelity.
Thank you for your research.
Trying to
escape limbo
I came across your web site about 6
weeks ago, I've been trying to understand what's going on with my wife and our
marriage for the past couple years. I read your book and it was life
changing for me. I don't even know how I can begin to thank you. It all makes
sense to me now, all of it. I've been going with my wife to marriage counseling
for almost three months. I've spent well over a thousand dollars just to listen
to my wife talk about everything that I do wrong, yet every time I tried to do
what she wanted she still wasn't happy. Now I know why. After I read your book I
wanted my wife to read it too. When I gave it to her I told her that she needed
to go to counseling by herself because she's the one with the problem. My wife
had been treating me so badly up until that point, but when I handed her the
book she seemed to already know that I was on to her bullshit. Later that day
before she read the book she tried to give me a blow job. My wife hasn't touched
me in over six months. In your book you said this would happen, but I would
never have believed it would happen in my situation. Unfortunately my wife and I
are probably going to wind up getting a divorce, but it won't be because I'm an
asshole, it will be because she's sleeping with my best friend. I found out that
she's been sleeping with him for almost two years.
Every man needs to read your book. It's
impossible for men not to see through women's lies once they've read it. If it
wasn't for your book I would still be spending a fortune to listen to my wife's
lies about why she was unhappy. I can't thank you enough. Although things will
be pretty rough for awhile at least I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Like you say in your book, the worst part is the not knowing, now I know, so the
worst part is finally over.
Thank you again,
Eric
Thank you so much for writing this book. Your
points about the socialization of women were 100%
accurate. How in the world are we supposed to know what we want when we are told from
childhood what that is? I loved your journal entry at the end of chapter six.
It’s exactly how I feel and I know it’s how a lot of other women feel too. We’re
constantly having men’s sexuality (their interest in sleeping with lots of
women) thrown in our faces, while we sit back and say nothing. Well, it’s just
like you said, the only reason we never admitted to wanting to sleep with more
than one man is because in the past we couldn’t – we use to need that one
man to feed us, so we kept that little secret to ourselves.
Thank you again, your book was definitely one of
the most insightful books I’ve ever read.
Kathy Levington,
Boston
Michelle,
I heard you on the radio and I
thought you may have some answers for me since I had just caught my wife
cheating. I was wondering why this was happening so I ordered your
book. I received your book the other day and read it cover to cover in about 4
hours. I was amazed. It seemed to be written about
my marriage. Everything in your book was
happening to me, everything. I'm very glad I ordered
the book because now I know that my wife has been lying to me.
After
reading your book I could no longer be fooled. Prior to that
I had spent 2 weeks blaming myself. As it turns out I probably had less
to do with this than she blames me for. With the
information in your book I was able to understand what my
wife has been doing and why. Thank you so much for
writing this book, it's going to help a lot of people, especially men.
Sincerely,
Tom Brickner, Los
Angeles
I'm fifty-something. My
wife had an affair with what I thought was a friend. My two children
were young at the time and I did all I could to stay together. I thought I
succeeded but in reality I did not. I'm still married but I feel very lonely. My
wife has had a hysterectomy and has put on substantial weight. Sex is unheard of
and if I'm lucky I might get a hand job only after being ridiculed and made a
fool of. Like I was some sort of freak or something. I almost fell off the chair
when I read stage 1. Thank you for writing it. It made me feel so much better to
know that I'm not the only person on the planet feeling like I do.
David
My Name is Steve, I am
44 & have been married for 18 years. I have been going fairly crazy the last
few YEARS because I knew things just weren't right. I have been looking for some
kind of information to help explain what I feel & why.I thank you for your book,
I downloaded it & immediately read it twice!
I believe you are right on target with the whole concept. I
am currently in a situation where I'm very much scared to do the wrong thing &
lose what we have, yet...I need to address the situation to be able to move on
to whatever will happen. I have specifically confronted my wife with the
question of "Is there someone else?" and got the expected denial. (AND a blowjob
for the first time in years!...) There is so much
truth in what you write that applies to our situation, It seems I may not be
crazy after all.
(whew!) I don't know if you want, or need any more research
on this topic, but I would be glad to be interviewed about our situation and
anything that may be able to help further the available knowledge on the
subject. It's very nice to know there is someone out there who has noticed a lot
of the same things I have. There is nobody I can talk to about this, so I
haven't said anything to anyone.
We are at what I believe is a
crucial point in our relationship and it concerns (even overwhelms) me,... while
she tries to pretend everything is just fine & normal. Your book has confirmed
some ideas I had, as well as given me helpful information on how I should
proceed.
Best Regards,
Steve
I heard you on the Tom
Leykis show. I found your website and downloaded your book. It's so
interesting. I have not read anything like it before, but everything you are
saying is so true.
I'm only on the third chapter so far, but I agree with
everything I have read. It is so unfair how society has put an OK stamp on men
being polygamous, but expects women to be faithful to one man.
I've never cheated, but I turned 35 this year and thoughts
of it are constantly in my head. I don't know if this has anything to do with
it, but I recently stopped taking birth control pills and my libido is
sky-high. I work primarily with men and am constantly bombarded with
temptations. It is somewhat of a relief to know that this is a normal
occurrence, yet I am still faced with difficult decisions. My husband would
never forgive infidelity, I am sure.
Anyway, forgive the unsolicited confession, but there is
nary a soul I can communicate to about this without sounding like an evil horny
adulteress. Thanks for listening, and for your insightful writing. I'm looking
forward to reading the whole book.
Sincerely,
Debbie
I can’t thank you enough for publishing your book, which I
downloaded and last night read cover to cover until 2:30am.
What struck me was that many times in the book, you described my wife’s
behavior – right on down to verbatim quotes – and mine in frighteningly accurate
detail. I have a better understanding of what has
happened.
I have a better
understanding of what has happened. Her relationship did not get physical, but
it would have eventually, I’m sure. Understanding why is a huge part of
forgiving her for what appear to be natural inclinations.
I’ve made more
progress with your book in a few hours than we have with a therapist in 6
weeks. With any luck, you may have been a major factor in saving our marriage.
Thank you, thank
you, thank you.
