How To Forgive Yourself For Cheating... So You Can Fully Engage And Start Giving And Receiving Love Again With All the People In Your Life You Care About
Are You Letting The Mistake Of Cheating Define You?
Relationships often end as a result of infidelity. However, it’s not necessarily because the spouse found out and couldn’t forgive the behavior; it’s often because the person who cheated couldn’t forgive themselves. If you’re trying to come to terms with cheating on your husband, then you need to start viewing cheating for what it is — a bad choice. It’s nothing more and nothing less.
The old adage, “once a cheater, always a cheater” is nothing more than a judgment which is intended to deter people from cheating in the first place. So don’t buy into this belief about yourself. Who you are today is not who you were yesterday. Likewise, who you are in a burning building is very different from who you are at a picnic. Our circumstances at any given moment can change who we are, once we understand this about ourselves we can begin to live at a level of awareness where ‘choosing‘ our behavior becomes possible.
However, prior to living at this level of awareness, cheating can be a little like dieting. So often when people cheat on their diets, they give up and stop trying to diet at all. It can be the same way with cheating. People often give up on their relationships because they cheated. The guilt causes the cheater (just like the dieter) to want to start over ‘later’ with a clean slate.
This is how the cycle plays out for the dieter. The dieter cheats; they go on a binge; they give up on their diet; and they decide to start fresh with a new diet sometime in the future. Likewise, people who cheat on their partners do the same thing — they cheat; they go on a cheating binge (have an affair or multiple affairs); they give up on their relationship; and they decide to start fresh with a new partner.
You Don’t Need A New Partner To Wipe The Slate Clean And Get The “Fresh Start” Effect
Many would argue, (myself included) that it’s best to tell your spouse you cheated, unfortunately though, many of us aren’t in relationships that can withstand anything less than the image we project. However, that’s not to say that our relationships can’t or won’t grow to a deeper level in the future.
If you find that you’re in a situation where you don’t feel you can tell your spouse you cheated without destroying your relationship, and yet, you also don’t feel as though you can remain in your relationship without disclosing what’s happened, then you need to pick a landmark date to make the transition from “Old You” who cheated to “New You” that’s wiser and doesn’t let the past define them.
As authors Chip and Dan Heath explain in their book, The Power Of Moments, “…”fresh starts” happen not only on New Year’s Day, but also on any other landmark date. If you’re struggling to make a transition, create a defining moment that draws a dividing line between Old You and New You.”
Step One: Pick a landmark date to reset your record, such as a holiday, the start of a new month or a date that has some type of significant meaning to you.
Step Two: On your landmark date, set aside an hour or so where you can be alone. Get a pen and notepad and write down everything that happened leading up to and including cheating on your husband. (The process is the same whether you cheated one time or had an ongoing affair).
Step Three: After you’ve written down everything in vivid detail, try to remember if there was anything you were afraid of prior to cheating on your husband. Typically, some type of fear precipitates cheating. For instance, were you afraid of not having anything to look forward to in the future? Were you afraid of getting older? Did you feel that this was your last chance at happiness and/or excitement? Were you afraid that your spouse was cheating on you? Really try to think back to what you were feeling at the time.
Step Four: Answer the following question, “If I could go back, would I still make the same decision today, or would I choose differently?” If your answer is “yes, I would choose differently”, then write down all of the reasons you would make a different choice today.
Step Five: The day before your landmark date. Consider everything that happened one last time. Reread any notes or answers you wrote from step 3 and 4. Take it all in one last time. Now, tear up your notes and throw them away. You’ve acknowledged what’s happened, you’ve noted the lessons learned. So there’s no need to revisit and beat yourself up over this experience anymore.
You see, this is how our mistakes can help us, and therefore, are crucial to our development. Our mistakes show us how NOT to do something. So often women feel as if they’ve lost a part of themselves after cheating on their husbands —- and women who’ve learned the most valuable lesson from cheating have actually lost something; they’ve lost the ignorance which is necessary to judge themselves and others.
Now You Have The Wisdom And Experience To Be Truly Trustworthy
Wouldn’t you rather be in a relationship with someone who knows they are capable of cheating and yet they are consciously choosing to be faithful; as opposed to someone who mistakenly thinks they are just naturally incapable of certain behaviors? If you’ve cheated on your husband, you now have the ability to choose to be faithful instead of naively or childishly just assuming it about yourself; which means – you now have the wisdom and experience to be truly trustworthy.
Do An honest Assessment.
Do an honest assessment to determine whether you believe you can wipe the slate clean and get the “fresh start effect” on your own. If you’re feeling overwhelmed—don’t put off getting the support and step-by-step direction you need to move forward. Contact Ashley to learn more about scheduling a consultation.
Click here to learn how women process cheating. Find out why it’s so hard for women to end and get over their affairs.
If you haven’t read the Women’s Infidelity books, that’s where you need to start. You’ll learn why women experience so much internal conflict when they cheat on their husbands. You’ll also find out the 7 steps women must take to “Break Out Of Limbo!”
#1 Source For Information About Female Infidelity
Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo
Learn The REAL Reasons Women Cheat, And:
• Why women lose sexual desire for their husbands
• Why women are more likely than men to become addicted to affair sex
• Why marriage and fidelity can actually be MORE difficult for women than it is for men
• Why women have such a hard time getting over their affairs emotionally and psychologically
• Why women overwhelmingly initiate the majority of all divorces – even when they’re married to good men
• Why and how men unknowingly make the problem worse by doing the opposite of what they need to do to save their marriages
Women’s Infidelity II: Breaking Out Of Limbo
Learn How To Sort Through Your Feelings:
• How to know if your feelings for the other man are real
• How to understand your feelings for your husband – what it really means when you say, “I love him, but I’m not “in” love with him
• How to know if there’s a possibility for a future with the other man
• How to stop your circular thinking
• How to end your confusion and move forward in 7 clearly defined steps
• Men: Learn how women process infidelity. Find out exactly what your wife is thinking and feeling