How To Get Perspective During An Affair... Avoid DUI (Deciding Under The Influence).
Are You Desperate To Make A Decision?
My client Ally (not her real name) has agreed to let me use her story to help other women. Ally scheduled a consultation because she desperately wanted to get some perspective before separating from her husband. Ally’s been married for 18 years, and she’s been having an affair for about six months.
Ally met her affair partner on a business trip. She didn’t normally travel for work, but Ally’s boss had a family emergency and she had to take his place at a conference. On the flight to the conference, Ally met an attractive man named Bill (not his real name). Bill was friendly and a great conversationalist. Ally said she was disappointed when the plane landed after their three hour flight, because she didn’t want her conversation with Bill to end.
Bill obviously had similar feelings; because right after the plane landed, Bill asked Ally if she thought she would have some free time, while she was in town, so they could meet for dinner or drinks. Ally jumped at the opportunity to see Bill again. She felt excited and energized about meeting him for dinner; it was as if someone had plugged Ally into a light socket.
Before I go any further, I want to clarify what I mean when I say that Ally jumped at the opportunity to see Bill again. What I mean, specifically, is that Ally made an impulsive choice in the heat of the moment, without a thought for how it would impact her in the future. Ally also didn’t give any thought or consideration to how the choice to see Bill again would impact her husband and children in the future, either (making this connection is a crucial step in the process of growing and developing as a person).
Ally’s family lost the wife and mother they knew in the moment that Ally made an impulsive choice on the plane, because Ally hasn’t been able to connect or be fully present with her husband or kids since that moment.
You see, when Ally left for the conference, she wasn’t planning to divorce her husband, nor was she thinking about separating from her husband, either. Ally was simply going through a period of emotional flatness in her life; an emotional flatness that, if navigated correctly, could lead Ally to a more meaningful and purposeful life, without having to tear her life apart or turn her life into a shit show.
Interestingly, Ally believed that her affair with Bill, made her life better. But the reality of what was actually happening in Ally’s life was just the opposite. Ally’s affair with Bill caused her to move through her days in a mental fog, where she was just pretty much “out of it.” In fact, Ally was so love drunk and stressed out, that she could barely concentrate long enough to do anything — except text and talk to Bill, think about texting and talking to Bill, fantasize about Bill, and masturbate while thinking and fantasizing about Bill. In other words, contrary to what Ally believed, her life had actually become less than it was before — her world had shrunk.
I explained to Ally that she was caught in the grip of an addiction. “An addiction, says David Richo, in his book, How To Be An Adult In Relationships, is an obsession in our minds and a compulsion in our behavior.”
You see, Ally thought that she was trying to make a decision. But Ally wasn’t capable of making a decision, yet — because she couldn’t think straight and her behavior was totally compulsive. As a result, Ally was living at the mercy of her cravings and her fears. So what Ally really needed was to learn how to restore balance to her system; because she was simply too high, panicked and emotionally stirred up to have any perspective.
I wanted to share Ally’s story because her story shows how quickly women can turn their husbands and marriages into something entirely different inside their heads, in order to “continue” cheating. You see, Ally didn’t continue to cheat on her husband because she was unhappy in her marriage. Ally continued to cheat on her husband because she made an impulsive choice that hooked her into an addiction.
If you’ve already read Women’s Infidelity, then you know what happens when women have affairs with single men who live out of town — they get extra-high (and this is especially true for women who have never cheated on their husbands before). As I pointed out, in Women’s Infidelity, “Affairs are the crack high of natural acts.” That’s why it’s important for women to understand that the reason they cheated, is usually different from the reason that they continue to cheat.
If you haven’t read the Women’s Infidelity books, that’s where you need to start. The Women’s Infidelity books can save you months (or years) of unnecessary suffering. You’ll learn why it’s so hard for women to end and get over their affairs… and the 7 steps women must take to “Break Out Of Limbo!”
Recommended By Counselors And Therapists All Over The World
Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo
Learn The REAL Reasons Women Cheat
• Why women lose sexual desire for their husbands
• Why women are more likely than men to become addicted to affair sex
• Why marriage and fidelity can actually be MORE difficult for women than it is for men
• Why women have such a hard time getting over their affairs emotionally and psychologically
• Why women overwhelmingly initiate the majority of all divorces – even when they’re married to good men
• Why and how men unknowingly make the problem worse by doing the opposite of what they need to do to save their marriages
Women’s Infidelity II: Breaking Out Of Limbo
Learn How To Sort Through Your Feelings:
• How to know if your feelings for the other man are real
• How to understand your feelings for your husband – what it really means when you say, “I love him, but I’m not “in” love with him
• How to know if there’s a possibility for a future with the other man
• How to stop your circular thinking
• How to end your confusion and move forward in 7 clearly defined steps
• Men: This book is for you, too. In this book you’ll learn how women process infidelity. Find out exactly what your wife is thinking and feeling