Passive Commitment Avoidance: Learn How People Avoid Commitment "Passively"

Do You Avoid Commitment Actively or Passively?

        • We actively avoid commitment by making it clear or obvious to others that we are disinterested and/or conflicted about commitment.
        • We passively avoid commitment by pursuing unavailable partners and impossible circumstances.

Unfortunately, most people aren’t aware that there are two distinct ways to avoid commitment: Actively or Passively. As Steven Carter and Julia Sokol write in their book, He’s Scared She’s Scared, “You think all you want is a commitment, but your partner is unable to commit. This scenario is the single most effective way of concealing your own commitment issues.”

When we avoid commitment passively, we often appear to be committed. But here’s an important rule of thumb to always remember in regard to relationships: The partner who is pushing for more is just as conflicted or uncommitted as the partner who is pulling away.

When We’re Clear About What We Want — We’re Not Attracted To People Who Are Wishy-Washy.

You see, when we’re clear about what we want, we’re not attracted to people who are wishy-washy and uncommitted. In fact, the more committed we are, the MORE SELECTIVE we become. In other words, choosing inappropriate partners reveals a lot about us. Specifically, it reveals our level of seriousness in regard to being in a committed relationship.

When I’m coaching men and women, they often say things like, “I had doubts about marrying him or her; but I decided to go ahead and get married anyway. Yet, forging ahead, with such a serious decision, when we have doubts, reveals a glaring lack of commitment on our part. You see, when we have doubts about getting married, but get married, anyway, it’s because we believe, on some level, that we can wiggle out of our commitment—later (at some future point—down the road).

As Deepak Chopra tells us in his book, The Book of Secrets, “Many relationships end in divorce because of a lack of commitment, but that lack didn’t grow over time; it was present from the outset and was never resolved.”

Relationships today are different from relationships in the past — because couples no longer have to stay together. That’s why if we want our relationships to last, we have to resolve our issues with commitment. 

Yin And Yang – All Of Us Are Torn Between Two Fundamental Urges.

Carter and Sokol write, “…all of us are torn between two fundamental urges. On the one hand, each of us has a profound desire to merge with another human being and become a part of something larger than self; on the other, we have an equally basic need to feel independent, free to make choices without constraint or compromise. Finding a way to balance the urge to merge with the desire to be free is what commitment is all about. Here’s the problem: These two needs are diametrically opposed.”

In the past, society was rigged to make women dependent (and therefore, overly desirous of merging with another) and as a result, this automatically caused men to be overly desirous of freedom and independence.

Balancing Our Two Primary Drives.

Doctors Siegel and Bryson tell us in their book, The Whole Brain Child, “In order to live balanced, meaningful and creative lives full of connected relationships, it’s crucial that our two hemispheres work together…Significant problems arise when the two sides of our brain are not integrated and we end up coming at our experiences primarily from one side or the other.”

Currently, we’re in the process of making the transition from coming at our experiences primarily from one side of the brain or the other (a split psyche level of functioning) to a more integrated and higher level of functioning. And part of this process involves what we’re currently seeing in relationships today.

Today, women have adopted many of men’s behavior’s from the past (both the positive and the negative behaviors); while men, on the other hand, have adopted many of women’s behaviors from the past (both the positive and the negative behaviors). This is a necessary step that will ultimately move us closer to whole brain functioning.

Note: If you’re living in limbo, it’s because you’re not able to see your situation from both sides, yet; and therefore, you can’t see how you’re creating your situation in order to avoid commitment. This is true whether you’re a woman in an affair who is actively avoiding commitment or a betrayed man who is passively avoiding commitment.

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Why women lose sexual desire for their husbands
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How to know if your feelings for the other man are real
How to understand your feelings for your husband – what it really means when you say, “I love him, but I’m not “in” love with him
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• How to stop your circular thinking
How to end your confusion and move forward in 7 clearly defined steps
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