Why Women Continue To Believe That They’re “Not The Type” To Cheat —> Despite Cheating On Their Husbands Over And Over Again.
Are You In Denial About Being A Cheater?
Diane’s story (not her real name): “Michelle, I want you to know that I’m not the type to cheat. This is really not like me at all.”
It’s pretty common for my female coaching clients to say this:).
I told Diane I understood, and asked her to tell me about the specifics of her situation. Diane explained that she had been with her husband for 18 years, and had been having an affair with a coworker for the last three of those years.
Diane said that her husband knew about the affair, and had known about it for about a year and a half. When her husband discovered the affair, Diane said that he wanted to save the marriage, so they decided to go to counseling. However, getting caught didn’t cause Diane to end her affair. In fact, Diane said that she saw her affair partner every day at work and they continued to talk, flirt and have sex the whole time she was in counseling to save her marriage.
When Diane and I spoke, it had been two years since the affair was originally discovered, and since then, Diane said that she had been caught talking and sexting with her affair partner multiple times. But Diane said that in the last couple months, her husband seemed to have finally reached his limit; because he had recently told Diane that he was ready to move forward with his life.
Women At Stage 3 Panic Whenever They Think They May Lose An “Option”
I told Diane that she was in Stage 3. And women at Stage 3 panic whenever they think one of their “options” is about to be taken off the table — and she was clearly panicking. I also asked Diane a couple questions to test her level of seriousness about making a decision; and Diane’s answers revealed that she wasn’t very serious at all about changing her situation. From Diane’s answers, I could tell that she was still trying to buy time for herself. Diane just wanted her husband and her affair partner to think that she was serious this time about making a decision, unlike all the other times in the past, when she wasn’t serious.
At a certain point in our conversation, I asked Diane if it was okay to be extremely direct with her. I told Diane that I could help her through her confusion, but it would require me to be direct in a way that would most likely be quite piercing. Diane gave me permission to be as direct as necessary… and that was a really good sign.
I told Diane that she was in denial about what she was doing — and that’s the only reason she was able to keep living the way she was living. I explained to Diane that she was hanging on to beliefs about herself that no longer had any basis in reality. For example, Diane started our conversation by saying that she wasn’t the type to cheat; and she actually believed this about herself despite the fact that she had been cheating on her husband for years.
I told Diane that cheating had not only become a way of life for her; but it was her preferred way of life. You see, that’s what Diane had been trying to protect for the past three years —> her “cheating” way of life.
Diane, like most women in limbo, believed that as long as she was confused, her cheating didn’t count. And that’s why Diane had built an entire identity around her confusion; it’s because Diane’s confusion allowed her to keep cheating without having to think of herself as a cheater.
I explained to Diane that like everyone, she had both positive and negative qualities; a light side and a dark side; a best side and a worst side. To to move forward, she would have to be willing to acknowledge the parts of herself that she didn’t want to see. I told Diane that women often turn their affairs into epic love stories; turn their husbands into epic disappointments; and turn their desires into epic mysteries — because they can’t accept the fact that they, just like men, can sometimes be quite selfish and cruel.
You see, Diane’s confusion and turmoil over the past three years, stemmed from her knowing that she wasn’t going to do anything to change her situation; and yet, despite her knowing this, she was still leading her husband to believe just the opposite —> and that was selfish and cruel.
It was impossible for Diane too feel good about herself or her life because she felt “dirty on the inside” about what she was doing, and the way she was living. Contrary to what Diane thought before we spoke, feeling better would not result from her making a decision to stay married or get divorced. Instead, feeling better, would result from Diane learning how to care for herself properly; because an affair, like any other addictive behavior, is an ill-fated attempt to improve your feeling state. Years earlier, Diane could have made positive changes in her life to improve the way she felt. But she opted to have an affair because she thought it was a shortcut to happiness and she’s been paying the hefty emotional and psychological price for that decision ever since.
Do An Honest Assessment. Do You Feel Stuck And Unable To Move Forward?
Women often need a roadmap to break out of the conflicting mental/emotional state brought on by an affair. If you’re struggling to feel balanced or “normal” again—don’t put off getting the help you need. Contact Ashley to learn more about scheduling a consultation.
If you haven’t read the Women’s Infidelity books, that’s where you need to start. The Women’s Infidelity books can save you months (or years) of unnecessary suffering. You’ll learn why it’s so hard for women to end and get over their affairs… and the 7 steps women must take to “Break Out Of Limbo!”
Recommended By Counselors And Therapists All Over The World
Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo
Learn The REAL Reasons Women Cheat, And:
• Why women lose sexual desire for their husbands
• Why women are more likely than men to become addicted to affair sex
• Why marriage and fidelity can actually be MORE difficult for women than it is for men
• Why women have such a hard time ending and getting over their affairs
• Why women overwhelmingly initiate the majority of all divorces – even when they’re married to good men
• Why and how men unknowingly make the problem worse by doing the opposite of what they need to do to save their marriages
Women’s Infidelity II: Breaking Out Of Limbo
Learn How To Sort Through Your Feelings:
• How to know if your feelings for the other man are real
• How to understand your feelings for your husband – what it really means when you say, “I love him, but I’m not “in” love with him
• How to know if there’s a possibility for a future with the other man
• How to stop your circular thinking
• How to end your confusion and move forward in 7 clearly defined steps
• Men: Learn how women process infidelity. Find out exactly what your wife is thinking and feeling