Why Your Wife’s Affair Is So Debilitating For You
The Real Reason We’re So Devastated By Infidelity And Divorce
Unfortunately, most of us aren’t prepared for the pain of infidelity and divorce, even though most of us are touched by one or both of these painful life experiences. The reason we’re not prepared is primarily due to the fact that most of us didn’t know prior to getting married how attached we were going to become to our spouse. For example, did you know prior to getting married that you were going to attach to your spouse in the same way that a child attaches to a parent?
As Maia Szalavitz tells us in her book, Unbroken Brain, “In both love and addiction, the stress relief system has become wired to the object of the addiction–you need the drug or the person to feel at ease, in the same way that young children need their parents.”
In other words, being rejected by a spouse can be likened to being rejected by a parent. Just imagine how painful it would be for a child to be left by his mother because she found another child she liked better. Obviously, nothing could be more painful to a small child because children need their mothers in order to survive.
Unfortunately, it can be just as painful (and often frightening) to be rejected by a spouse. In fact, people can be so caught off guard by the pain and anxiety they feel when their marriages or primary relationships are threatened that they behave in ways that destroy the possibility of reconciling. Therefore, it’s essential for men who see themselves in the stages to understand that what they’re feeling is normal––but it’s only normal at a certain level of development––a level that we’re supposed to grow out of.
Men who are moving through the stages must recognize that they’re really not trying to save and rebuild their marriages; they’re trying to use their wives and marriages to stabilize their emotions and regain their footing.
However, as Dr. Schnarch explains in his book Intimacy & Desire, “…trying to get your security from your spouse leads to perpetual insecurity. The more you try, the more vulnerable and insecure you become. The ensuing clutching and grabbing for your partner encourages him [her] to move away, creating a downward spiral that destroys many marriages. Ultimately, the only security you can really count on is your relationship with yourself. Your security lies in developing…”
This is why men who want to save their marriages must stop looking to their wives to take away their pain and calm their insecurities. This is especially true if your wife is still having an affair and/or is still on the fence. You simply can’t depend on your wife for comfort and support without being re-injured over and over again.
Do An Honest Assessment. Do You Feel Out Of Control?
Men often know what they need to do, but they have difficulty remaining consistent in their efforts because their emotions are constantly getting triggered by their wives’ behavior. If you’re moving through the stages, it’s crucial that you do an honest assessment to determine whether you can manage your anxiety and get your emotions under control on your own. If you’re feeling out of control and your behavior has become compulsive—don’t put off getting the help you need. Contact Ashley to learn more about scheduling a consultation.
If you haven’t read the Women’s Infidelity books, that’s where you need to start. You’ll find out exactly what your wife is thinking and feeling – so you can stop analyzing—and stop operating from a mindset that leads to divorce.
#1 Source For Information About Female Infidelity
Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo
Learn the REAL reasons women cheat, and:
• Why women lose sexual desire for their husbands
• Why women are more likely than men to become addicted to affair sex
• Why marriage and fidelity can actually be MORE difficult for women than it is for men
• Why women have such a hard time getting over their affairs emotionally and psychologically
• Why women overwhelmingly initiate the majority of all divorces – even when they’re married to good men
• Why and how men unknowingly make the problem worse by doing the opposite of what they need to do to save their marriages
Women’s Infidelity II: Breaking Out Of Limbo
Learn how to understand your feelings for your husband, and:
• How to know if your feelings for the other man are real
• How to understand your feelings for your husband – what it really means when you say, “I love him, but I’m not “in” love with him
• How to know if there’s a possibility for a future with the other man
• How to stop your circular thinking
• How to end your confusion and move forward in 7 clearly defined steps
• Men: Learn how women process infidelity. Find out exactly what your wife is thinking and feeling
Get The Information You Need To Move Forward